


Going Back

by Rakshi



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Early Work, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-13
Updated: 2011-12-13
Packaged: 2017-10-27 06:38:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/292719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rakshi/pseuds/Rakshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They're going back to New Zealand and Sean is worried about his relationship with Sam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Going Back

_You rise like a wave in the ocean  
And you fall gently back to the sea  
Now I want to know how to hold you  
Return to me  
Return to me_

 _You shine like the moon over water  
And you darken the sky when you leave  
Now I want to know how to keep you  
Return to me  
Return to me_

 _I am here  
Calling the wind  
I am here  
Calling your name  
I am here  
Calling you back  
Return to me  
Return to me  
_   
_October Project - Return To Me_

Elijah was wild with excitement about going back to New Zealand in May. Beside himself any time he spoke about it, and he spoke about it a lot. Like now.

Sean deposited himself on a stool and leaned over the bar to grab a cold Pepsi. Trying to ignore the happy ruckus behind him, he opened a script and began to read. It had nothing to do with 'Lord of the Rings'. It was something else that had been sent to him for review. Right now, Sean didn't want to look at anything connected with 'Lord of the Rings' and was grateful for the diversion.

He tried to focus on the words, really not wanting to get dragged into the conversation. But, he should have known better. It was only a matter of time before Elijah spotted him.

"Sean!" Elijah yelped, bounding over to the bar. "When did you come in?"

"Just now." Sean told him. He took a swig of his Pepsi and eyed Elijah, smiling. He was standing as close to Sean as he could get, holding onto his arm.

"Did you hear what we were talking about?" he asked, pulling on Sean's arm like a kid looking for attention.

"I heard." Sean said, trying to feign excitement. "It's great isn't it?" He felt like a complete phony. Felt even worse when he looked at Elijah's elated face.

"Oh, Sean." he said, grabbing Sean's shoulders. "We're going back! We get to be Sam and Frodo again!"

Sean put his hands on Elijah's waist and hugged him gently. "I know."

"Isn't that wonderful, Sean?" Elijah asked him, shaking Sean's shoulders, eyes shining. "Isn't that just the best thing that could ever happen?"

Sean nodded. He pulled Elijah close, rocking him gently, and tried to avoid further comment. Luckily, Elijah was satisfied with being held in Sean's arms, at least for the moment, and didn't press him for more.

"I've missed it so much." Elijah breathed against his ear.

"I know, Lij." Sean told him. "I've missed it too." That much he could say with complete honesty.

He had missed it. More than he would have imagined possible.

Sean nuzzled his hair, then released him to go back to the living room with Dom. He managed to read a few more sentences before the noise level in the living room got his attention again. Elijah was yattering away happily about New Zealand and at the same time flawlessly kicking Dom's ass at some driving game.

Sean watched him. Excitement and happiness flowed across his face like light across gently moving water.

He won't have any trouble. Sean thought. He'll fall back into it like he left it yesterday. If I called him 'Frodo' right now, he'd become Frodo in a heartbeat. It's something in his eyes. Some kind of distant look he gets. I'd see it and I'd know. Gives me goose bumps.

Sam. Sam. Sean thought sadly. Where are you? Why can't I feel you anymore?

He stared into space, thinking. I've never gotten this emotionally attached to a character before. Always been told that was dangerous. He shook himself. Maybe now I know why.

But he had been Samwise Gamgee for so long! And filming a script as emotionally intense as 'Lord of the Rings', it would have been hard not to make a strong connection. Sean felt he had to make that strong connection in order to fully portray Sam. And Sam was the kind of person that Sean truly wanted to bond with.

It wasn't just him, though. All of them felt pretty strongly about their characters, and all of them felt the same emotional attachment to their fictional counter-parts. Elijah had said publicly that Frodo would always be a part of him. Sean sighed.

It had been easier in New Zealand. They'd lived in that magical world every day. Saturated themselves in it and in each other. Read the books insatiably. Lived their characters 24 hours a day until Sean felt he understood Sam perfectly. Sam had one thought. One need. Frodo. He envied Sam the single-minded simplicity of his love for Frodo. It was never that easy for he and Elijah.

So much was never said. And some of their scenes together were painfully, devastatingly emotional. But all Sean had to do was look into Elijah's eyes and suddenly it wasn't acting anymore. He and Elijah were Sam and Frodo. The tears were real. The pain was real. The love was real. Never any doubt of that. But love surrounded by overwhelming emotional barriers.

Sean really loved the stalwart little Hobbit he was portraying. It grieved him to know how much Sam suffered. And later on, when he could be more honest about his feelings for Elijah, he admired Sam for the open-hearted way he demonstrated his feelings for Frodo. No fear. No judgment. Just love. He's helped me so much. Sean thought. In ways that go too deep for me to be fully aware of them.

But now Sean couldn't seem to feel the little Hobbit no matter how hard he tried. There was an empty space where Sam used to stand so solidly. And Sean missed him dreadfully.

The noise in the living room was moving toward him. He turned and saw Dom walking toward him with Elijah in a headlock, apparently in revenge for being so soundly beaten. As Dom released him and gave Sean a hug, Elijah jumped up onto the bar stool behind Sean and leaned against his back.

"See ya, Dommie." Elijah told him.

"You leaving?" Sean asked.

"For awhile."

"Leaving me alone with THAT?" Sean said, grinning, and jerking a thumb behind him.

Dom grinned back and ruffled his hair. 'You'll survive."

Sean watched Dom walk out the front door, feeling the weight of Elijah's body pressed against his back. He turned and Elijah leaned back to look at him.

"You going to stay here tonight?" Elijah asked quietly. Sean still spent nights at the house with Chris on occasion. If she asked for help, or if Ally wanted him to stay, he stayed. He also stayed with his family at times, ostensively to help them out, more truthfully, to help himself out.

Elijah had begged him to move in with he and Dom, or to get a totally different house somewhere that he and Sean could share. Sean flatly refused. He wouldn't do anything that obvious, at least until the baby was born, and maybe not even then. He wouldn't do anything, ever, that would cause Elijah to take a major negative hit in the press.

He implored Elijah to be patient, and tried to be as available to everyone as humanly possible. It got pretty tiring at times and Sean knew that Elijah often got the worst of it.

Sean looked into his eyes, and leaned forward to kiss him gently. "Yep. Staying here, if that's OK."

The wattage from Elijah's huge, happy grin could have lit greater Los Angeles. Sean grinned back involuntarily, and was rewarded with enormous hug.

"I take it that's OK with you." He teased.

"Only if you sleep in the living room." Elijah countered, winking.

Sean took a fake swipe at him, then scooped up the script and his Pepsi and headed for the living room. Elijah trailed after him, hanging on to his hand, and sat on the couch beside him.

"Let me read a bit more of this, OK?" Sean asked him. "Just a few minutes."

Elijah nodded, just happy that he was there. He watched Sean for a while as he read. Then, as if he couldn't stand it anymore, reached out and touched Sean's hair.

Sean looked at him for a moment, and then looked back at the script. "Fuck it." He said, tossing the script to the floor. "I'm too old for it anyway." He gathered Elijah into his arms and buried his face against his shoulder. "God, Doodle." He murmured, snuggling. "This just feels so damned good."

Elijah clung to him, smoothing his hair. "I'm so glad you're not going to leave me tonight." He whispered. "Oh, Seanie, I miss you so much when you're not here. I sometimes feel afraid you won't ever be back."

Sean leaned back and stared at him, astonished. "How could you think that?" he asked. Elijah never talked like this!

Elijah shrugged and dropped his eyes. "It's just . . . Ally that I think of." Elijah said quietly. "And the new baby when it comes. He looked up at Sean with Frodo-sad eyes. "What could I ever give you that could compare to that?"

Sean smiled at him. "You give me Elijah. And that's as precious to me as anything else in my life. You need to believe that."

Elijah's eyes went down again.

"Hey." Sean said. "I'm not just trying to pacify you. I really need you to believe that, Elijah."  
Elijah nodded. "Then . . ." he started. Then stopped and sighed.

"Then what?" Sean asked.

"What's wrong?" Elijah asked, finally looking up to meet Sean's eyes. "Something is, that much I know! I've been waiting for you to tell me for ages now. To talk to me about it."

Sean released him and grabbed his Pepsi.

"When you didn't talk to me about it, I figured it had to be something that you thought would hurt me a lot."

"Nothing's wrong." Sean said quietly, hating himself.

He leaned over as though to grab the script again, but Elijah was having none of it. He seized Sean's hands.

"Forget it." Elijah said. "You're going to talk to me."

Sean eyed him, trying to gauge the depth of his stubbornness.

"Lijah." He said gently, reaching up to stroke his hair. "Everything's OK."

Elijah pushed his hand away. "Don't give me that shit! I know better, Sean, and I'm not going to back off this time."

Sean stared down at his hands. Jesus! He thought unhappily. He has the most amazing fucking radar. He cast a sideways glance at Elijah and winced at the determined look on his face. Shit.

"Lijah." He tried again, as gently as he could. "Honest . . ."

"OK." Elijah said quickly, obviously pissed off. "That's it. I'm done."

He dropped off the couch and onto the floor, picked up Sean's script, and turned to toss it to him irritably. "Here. Enjoy."

Sean grabbed the script. He tried to grab Elijah's hand at the same time, but Elijah pulled away and grabbed the game controller. Ignoring Sean, he started a new game.

Sean rolled his eyes. Astin, you're a jerk. He told himself. He's not mad. He's hurt. He dropped down onto the floor next to Elijah and held out his hand for the game controller.

"OK." Sean said quietly.

Elijah looked at him suspiciously.

"OK." Sean said again. "Please, Elijah."

Elijah handed him the controller and Sean turned the game off. He stared at the controller for a long moment then dropped it on the floor and turned to Elijah.

He was looking at Sean steadily. Seriously. No trace of the geeky, attention-loving kid Sean had seen earlier. Anyone who thinks that's all there is to him is missing a lot. He thought wonderingly.

Sean held out his arms. "Come sit by me?" he asked softly.

Elijah moved into Sean's arms but he said nothing, and Sean knew there wasn't any getting around him this time. He pulled Elijah close to him.

"Ever since I found out we were going back to New Zealand I've been feeling really . . ." He searched for a word. "Really . . . sad." Then he shook his head.

"That doesn't' say it either. Doesn't say it right."

Elijah reached up to touch his face. 'Sad? But, why?" he asked, alarm in his voice. 'I thought you'd feel happy! You said you did.

"I lied." Sean said unhappily. "And I owe you big-time for that. I just didn't know how to tell you."

"Why do you feel sad?" Elijah repeated.

"Because," Sean told him slowly, "I feel absolutely no connection to Sam anymore. It's like he's just . . . vanished or something. It scares me. I don't know how I'll manage without him in June. And I don't know what to do about it."

Elijah leaned back to look at him. His face was strained, but for a long moment he said nothing. Then he shook his head and gave Sean a small smile.

"Sean," he said. "I think you're worrying for nothing. You're just tired and stressed out. Sam's there."

Sean shook his head. "No." he said quietly. "He's not." He leaned his back against the couch and stared at the ceiling. "Jesus, Elijah! I know what Sam feels like. I lived with him every day for 2 years. Trust me, he's GONE!"

Sean heard Elijah's breath catch in his throat and glanced at him. He winced at the forlorn look in his eyes and jerked his thumb in Elijah's direction, feeling and looking miserable.

"That," he said flatly, "is the reason I didn't say anything. That. I didn't think I could stand it, and I was right." He sighed.

"Well, fuck, Sean!" Elijah spouted. "That's one hell of a thing to dump on me and expect me to have no reaction!"

"Elijah." Sean said quietly. "If this causes a fight between me and you I . . ." He shook his head. "I honestly don't know what I'll do."

"No." Elijah said quickly, pulling Sean close to him again. "Oh no, Seanie. I'm sorry. I just felt upset and pissy. No fight between us. We'll figure it out."

Elijah sat quietly for a minute, thinking. Then he turned in Sean's arms and looked up at him.

"Let me call to him." He said softly. "He'll come to me. He'll come to Frodo."

"No!" Sean said harshly. "No! Do NOT do that!" He had no idea why the thought of Elijah calling to Sam was so terrifying. But it was.

"Why?" Elijah asked him, clearly puzzled. "You know he'll come to me."

"Do I know that?" Sean asked him. "I don't know anything of the kind."

"Well, I'll tell you what I know." Elijah said softly. "I know that I was meant to be Frodo just as you were meant to be Sam. We're the only two people on Earth who could have played those parts. We ARE Sam and Frodo. He can't leave you. He's part of you."

"He hasn't felt much like part of me lately." Sean whispered.

"He's there, Sean." Elijah told him gently. "I know he is. I can feel him."

Sean lowered his face into his hands for a moment. "This whole thing is totally nuts."  
Suddenly he sat up and turned to Elijah. "Listen." he said quickly. "Let's just drop it for now. It's a long time 'till June. Let me work on it awhile. You're probably right. I'm probably imagining things."

Elijah grabbed his hands. "Stop." He said softly. "Just please stop."

He pulled Sean down, turning so that Sean was resting against him gently. Sean sighed and put his head on Elijah's shoulder, feeling Elijah's arms cradling him, thinking that this was topsy-turvy from how they usually were.

"Sorry." He murmured against Elijah's shirt. "Sorry, Lijah. I just don't quite know what to do."

"Do nothing for a minute." Elijah whispered in his ear. "Just be here with me."

"Mmmm." Sean said, contentedly. "That I can do."

He peeked up at Elijah. "Isn't this usually YOUR spot?" he asked with a smile.

Elijah smiled back, pulling Sean even closer to him. "Yep. But today, I'm giving it to you."

He stroked Sean's hair and laughed quietly. "You get to be the snugglee. And I get to be the snuggler."

They were contentedly silent for a moment.

"This IS a nice spot." Sean murmured. "How come you been hogging it?"

"Well, I AM the Ringbearer." Elijah informed him smugly.

Sean leaned into Elijah, laughing and nuzzling his shoulder. He's got such amazing emotional instincts. Sean thought.

"Sean," Elijah said softly "you have to know. Everything Sam is, you are. Stalwart, brave, completely loyal, completely loving. It's all you. You never had to act. You ARE Sam."

He looked up into Elijah's eyes, wanting to believe him. They were wide and blue, but had no trace of sadness. Sean reached up and caressed his face gently, running his thumb under Elijah's eye and over his lips. The blue eyes closed for a moment, then opened again and looked down at Sean.  
He smiled at the dreamy look that Elijah gave him, then his head dropped down into a kiss.

Sean's eyes closed. Soft lips. Elijah's lips. Sean tried to pull him closer but Elijah resisted him. His hand held Sean's face and his mouth, as he laid it gently against Sean's was open. Gently seeking with his tongue.

"Mmmm." Sean moaned, his own mouth opening under Elijah's passionate kiss. His breath caught in his throat.

He opened his eyes again and saw Elijah's eyes, breathtakingly close, heavy lids halfway lowered. He saw Sean's gaze and the blue eyes abruptly changed. Slanting. Warming under Sean's stare. Shining into him.

Elijah's kiss still flamed into his mouth. Soft, but so demanding that Sean whimpered.  
Elijah's fingers caressed his face. His mouth never left Sean's. Not for a moment. Just moved gently over his open mouth, inhaling softly as though he were trying to breathe Sean into his body. Suckling tenderly on his mouth, as though he were feeding. As though all the sustenance he needed to survive was in Sean's kisses.

Sean felt as though every inch of his body was melting into Elijah. He'd never kissed Sean this way before. It was almost more than Sean could bear.

"Lijah?" Sean tried to whisper in a shaking voice. But Elijah shook his head, his meaning clear. He wouldn't take his mouth off Sean's long enough to answer.

Sean opened his eyes again. Elijah had pulled them down until they were lying together on the floor. He was pressed against Sean's body, kissing him unceasingly, eyes wide and looking straight into Sean's.

Gazing up at him, Sean saw the love that poured out of the flawless blue eyes. Felt it cascade over him and into him. His breath caught and he reached up to touch Elijah's cheek. The blue eyes never left his, but flared open a bit more and then slowly the lashes lowered.

Sean felt a shock of unbelievable bliss course through his entire body. He looked up into Elijah's face.

Oh, my god. I know what he's doing. Sean thought in ecstasy.

He drew in a shaky breath. "Fro . . ." he whispered into Elijah's mouth. "Fro . . . do?" He felt as though he were floating in a vision.

"Mmmm." Elijah murmured, still not taking his mouth off Sean's.

"Frodo?" Sean asked again, his eyes filled with tears.

The blue eyes blazed opened again. Staring into his. Intense. Filled with love. But something else too. Something dreamy. Something distant.

Sean's arms wrapped around Elijah, crushing them together. "Please." Sean begged him.

Elijah's mouth moved to his cheek. To his eyes. Across his forehead. Along his jaw line. Back to his mouth. Breathless, lingering kisses that burned into Sean like a firestorm.

Suddenly he moved his mouth to Sean's ear. Sean could hear his breath trembling. He inhaled gently then breathed out one word: "Sam."

Sean felt his entire body dissolve with yearning. His eyes were closed and he couldn't draw a breath. His hands reached up to cup Elijah's face, pulling him back to his mouth. Back into his kiss.

"Froooo do. . . " he whispered longingly. Staggered, Sean realized he could stop trying to feel Sam. It wasn't necessary. He was Sam, just as Elijah had known he would be.

"Sam." Elijah breathed. "My sweet Sam."

Sean rocked Elijah's body. Comforting. Soothing. "Frodo. Frodo." He sighed against Elijah's mouth. "My Frodo."

Elijah eased his face back and looked down at Sean.

"Sam?" he asked softly, slowly.

Sean gasped and pulled him tight against him. "Don't." he moaned. "Oh, baby. God. Don't. You don't know what that does to me."

"Yes, I do." Elijah whispered against his face. "It does the same thing to me."

"Sam?" Elijah whispered again.

He won't stop 'till I answer him. Sean thought. His fingers clenched in Elijah's shirt. "What?" he moaned softly.

"Sam?" Elijah whispered again. "Please make love to me."

Sean looked up at him. "Here?" he asked softly.

"Right here." Elijah said. "Right now. Just like this."

Sean pulled on Elijah's shirt. "Leave this on?" he whispered?

"Yes." Elijah sighed into his mouth. "Just huddle together. Like we did on the mountain."

Sean spun them around so that they were both lying on their sides. His leg curled around Elijah, pulling him close.

"Keep me warm, Sam." Sean heard him murmur. "Hold me close to you."

Elijah's face was buried in Sean's shoulder, hands drawn up to his chest. His body moved, trying to inch his way closer to Sean. Nestling. Hands reaching out now to grasp Sean's shirt. Lips lifting to caress Sean's throat.

Sean moved his body against Elijah's. Gently. Languorously. Just enough friction to feel their bodies touching. Nothing forceful. His arms wrapped around Elijah, pulling him closer. Elijah's arms curled around his neck. Gently. For long, lingering moments they swayed together.  
I want so much to keep him safe. Sean thought.

"Frodo." Sean breathed tenderly into his ear. "Frodo."

"Sam." He whimpered, clutching at Sean's hair. His body twisted against Sean's. "Oh Sam. Please. Now."

Sean heard Elijah gasp for air and slowly release it, shuddering. He clung to his writhing body and strained to find his own release, feeling tears in his eyes when it finally came. Even his climax seemed more understated than usual. Comforting. This wasn't a mad thrashing, but a sense of passionate unity with the body pressed against his.

And something else he'd never felt before when he made love. Gratitude.

"Lijah." Sean whispered. "Sweetie?"

"Sam." Elijah whispered. "Sam." He kissed Sean and looked up at him.

Sean was speechless. He leaned down and kissed Elijah as tenderly as he could and buried his face in Elijah's neck. Snuggling. Refusing to look at him even when Elijah tried to tip his head up.

I don't want to cry. Sean thought desperately. I don't want to cry.

"I don't want to cry." Sean murmured to Elijah.

"Why not?" Elijah said, petting his hair. "Every time we make love I cry like a 2 year old."

Sean just shook his head and leaned harder into Elijah's shoulder. That's all he wanted right now. That's all he felt he could deal with.

"You were making it way too complicated." Elijah told him gently, caressing his hair. "You wanted to 'feel' him as though he were separate from you. But he's not."

"He's here." Elijah said, leaning back a bit and gently putting his hand on Sean's chest. "He's part of Sean's heart now." He said softly.

Sean pulled Elijah into his arms.

"We didn't even make love the same way." Sean whispered.

"It was sweet." Elijah said against his face. "It was so sweet. I could feel you wanting to keep me warm. Wanting to take care of me. I loved it."

"I did." Sean told him. "I remember feeling that. That was Sam."

"I knew if Frodo kissed him he'd come out of his Hobbit Hole." Elijah whispered. He peeked up at Sean. "You didn't say I couldn't kiss him. You just said I couldn't call to him."

"Ringbearer cagey." Sean murmured. "Samwise impressed."

Elijah shrugged, snuggling. "I knew if Frodo kissed him you'd quit trying to analyze everything and just kiss back."

We could do it right now. Sean thought in amazement. We could shoot any scene in that movie and be Sam and Frodo in one breath.

"Sweetie?" He murmured to Elijah, who was showing every sign of falling asleep on Sean's shoulder.

"Mmmm?" Elijah responded.

"Thank you." Sean breathed into his ear.

Elijah looked up at him. "Stop." He whispered.

"No. I mean it." Sean said, leaning down to kiss him. "Now, go to sleep."

Elijah burrowed back into his shoulder and sighed blissfully.

Elijah's right. Sean thought. Sam's a simple soul. All he needs is to know that Frodo is happy and safe.

He looked down at Elijah, sleeping peacefully on his shoulder.

Don't worry, Sam. I'll take care of it.


End file.
